Finding Myself One Step at a Time: How Motherhood, Anxiety, and Running Changed My Life by Amber Sandmoen-Vanee

Please note: This blog reflects a personal experience and should not replace advice from qualified medical, mental health, or training professionals.

My story of becoming a runner isn’t unique. I’m a 45-year-old mom who felt lost after having a child, then found myself through 30-minute runs during the pandemic. That’s the short version. The full length version is so much better – full of high highs, low lows, plot twists, and self-discovery, which I think many women will relate to.

My name is Amber and I’m an extroverted extrovert. I like bright colours, glitter, 80’s music, nostalgia, thrifting, concerts and Coke Zero. I work for myself designing and making party decorations here in Calgary. I moved to Calgary from the Fraser Valley when I was 21 to be a flight attendant with WestJet. I’m still best friend’s with some of the people I went to initial flight attendant training with. Around that same time I met the boy who would turn out to be my future husband, Mike. We were married when I was 30 and two years later we welcomed our daughter, Millie.

As much as I loved flying I knew as my mat leave was coming to an end that there was no way I was going to be able to leave her multiple days a week for work. I was that person who said I wasn’t going to let a baby change our life and now here I was letting her change our life. Babies do that to you in the best way possible. After 12 years of flying at a job I truly loved, I submitted my resignation.

I don’t know if being a mom came easily to me, but I know I’ve never loved anything or anyone as much as I love my daughter. I loved being pregnant with her. I would chat to her all day and loved feeling her kick. I ended up having an emergency C-section after pushing for 3 hours. We spent 2 nights in the hospital and went home on a Saturday. I had never babysat before so everything was brand new to me. I didn’t even know how to change a diaper! Mike loves babies and was a natural. Cool as a cucumber. Thank goodness because I was an exhausted, hormonal, emotional mess. My in-laws came to visit and helped us out, as did our friends. We took Millie on her first airplane ride to go visit my parents and family a few weeks later. Once all that initial excitement was over and Mike went back to work, it was very clear that Millie and I were in our own little girl gang. I was getting the hang of being a mom. Millie and I would go to the mall or to the movies and maybe meet up with a friend, but every day was starting to feel like groundhog day. I noticed it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest every morning. I started asking other friends who had children if they felt this way too. Responses varied from ‘No, I love being a mom’ to ‘Yes, I feel the same way but that’s just what it’s like once you have kids’. I tried to wrap my head around the concept of “this is just how it is now” and trying to push away the feelings of “maybe I made a mistake”. I was having a very hard time with feeling like everyone else seemed to make this look so easy and I felt like I was drowning.

Mike had gently suggested that I go talk to my doctor, but every time he brought it up I would flip out and tell him that he had no idea what it’s like to be at home with a baby all day while he’s off working downtown and getting to socialize with adults, not being covered in spit up. It really all came to a head when Millie was 13 months old and we were off to our friend’s wedding. I don’t remember what we were talking about on the drive to Spruce Meadows, but Mike asked me point blank if I still wanted to be married to him because I acted like I hated him. I cried the rest of the drive there and then we both had to put on happy faces once we arrived to celebrate our sweet friends. We had just had our three year anniversary. How did we get here? The next morning he begged me to please go see the doctor.

My doctor is wonderful. I’ve been with him since before I was pregnant. He walked in to the room that day, looked at me and asked me if everything was okay. I burst into tears. He gave me a questionnaire to fill out about postpartum depression. I ticked all the boxes. We determined I had postpartum anxiety. He said that it was a hormonal imbalance and I had not done anything wrong, and assured me I was a good mother. He apologized for not seeing my symptoms, but in all fairness I didn’t tell him that I was having any bad feelings and always came to our checkups with my hair and make up done and brought my normal bubbly personality with me. He felt that since it had been 13 months since I delivered Millie, my hormones were probably not going to regulate on their own and wrote me a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication and put me in touch with a psychologist. I went home and got into bed for two days and just cried. I felt like a loser. I needed to be drugged to be a mother. Definitely not how I envisioned my motherhood journey starting. Thank goodness for Mike who took care of me and Millie. At this point in 2012, no one was really talking about PPD or PPA. Brooke Shields was the only person who had spoken out about it after Tom Cruise made those ridiculous remarks towards her.

The medication slowly started to work and I was feeling better. I was nicer to be around. Calmer. Millie and I went out for lots of walks and she started twice–a-week daycare so I could get a little break and get my Etsy shop back up and running. I loved the toddler stage. They are just so funny and wild and unhinged. Learning to walk and talk. You really see their little personality come to life. Its amazing! I stayed on the medication for a year and a half and was weened off with no issues. Well not entirely none. I had lost the weight I had gained during my pregnancy before I was diagnosed with PPA. However, during the time I was on the medication, I gained 50 pounds. I was feeling great as a mom and in life in general but the weight gain did make me feel uncomfortable. I had always been a fairly fit person and maintained my weight, but was now feeling quite self conscious. The funny thing is that when I was deep in my anxiety, I had lost weight because I had no appetite and felt awful but I was getting all sorts of compliments on how great I looked. Now, I was actually feeling healthy in my head but I wasn’t getting any compliments on my appearance. This is the reason why one must be careful when commenting on another person’s body.

Life went on. Millie was happy at preschool. I was loving being back to work full time doing wedding and party decorations. Mike liked his job and had gotten into road biking and was training for a few Grand Fondos. We built a house and moved to a new neighbourhood that we all loved. Millie had a nice group of little friends and I had a good group of mom friends. Somewhere in this time, I had woken up one morning and felt very dizzy. It stayed with me one, two, three days. I couldn’t sit up. I finally went to the doctor thinking the absolute worst – because if you google those symptoms the internet tells you they will be your last! My doctor checked me out and asked a bunch of questions and gave me something to help with the dizziness and told me to come back in a week. That gave me the perfect amount of time to go down the WebMD rabbit hole. When I came back a week later and told him the pills had done nothing and that I was pretty sure I had a brain tumor due to excessively googling my symptoms, I thought he was going to call my dad and tell him to take my birthday away! In the famous words of Arnold Schwarzenegger he told me ‘It’s not a tumor!’. And I mean, in all of his doctoral experience, he was right. Go figure. Turns out it was BPPV. A sort of vertigo that’s triggered when a tiny particle in your ear breaks loose and falls into the wrong canal of the inner ear. In my extensive googling I learned that a high number of people who experience it also thought they had a brain tumor. So, yeah. We got that all fixed up but that kicked off a new type of anxiety for me. Health anxiety.

This story sounds like I have a lot of anxiety in my life but I promise you until I had my PPA, I was a pretty anxiety free gal. I worried about normal things and definitely not excessively. I was pretty carefree. This anxious life was all very new to me. After the BPPV I noticed I was starting to feel anxious about everything to do with my body. Was that spot there before? Why does my 4th rib hurt? Have the whites of my eyes always been this shade or do they look a bit more yellow today? Is my hand shaking? Its definitely shaking right? I stopped going to the dentist and eye doctor. I did go the regular doctor a few times. He sensed what was going on and ran labs and ultrasounds. He asked me questions about how everything was going with me and how my mental health was. I told him I had my ups and downs but I felt like I was mostly doing okay and could manage. Let’s be real though. I wasn’t managing that well. I was waiting for the clock to say 5 o’clock every night so I could open a bottle of wine. I knew that would take the edge off. I knew that it wasn’t actually helping me feel better in the long run, nor was it helping my weight or body image. But if you have another glass of wine it’ll help you not think about that. I was never drunk. And it’s not like it’s that big of deal right? This is what other moms do. I see it all over Instagram. I knew I wasn’t an alcoholic. I’ll try to be better starting Monday. Rinse and repeat.

It was December 2019. My parents were visiting for Christmas. We needed to leave for Millie’s school concert at 10 am. Mike came into the bedroom to see if I was ready to go. I was dressed and laying on the bed. He asked if I was okay. I told him I wasn’t but I didn’t know what was wrong. He asked what he needed to do to help me. I said I didn’t know but I think I might need to go back to the doctor and go back on the anti-anxiety medication. He asked if I wanted to stay home. I said no. I didn’t want to tell my parents that anything was wrong with me and make them worry, and I didn’t want to let Millie down. She was so excited for all of us to come and watch her sing. I got up and put on a happy face because that’s what moms do.

I tried to call the doctor’s office to make an appointment multiple times but I kept stopping myself. I was doing research to find out natural ways to deal with anxiety. I was already 50 pounds heavier than I wanted to be. My BMI said I was obese. My hip to waist ratio was not good. I had constant acid reflux and heart burn. I felt very disconnected from my body. To be perfectly honest the last thing I wanted to do was take a pill that I felt was going to make me gain even more weight. All of my research had boiled down to the only thing I really hadn’t tried for managing anxiety. Exercise. Sounded fishy. I figured I’d just put that one on the back burner and circle back if I needed to. I was already feeling a bit better anyways and we were going on a nice vacation to Hawaii, and the beach and sun would be helpful. Too bad I couldn’t bottle that up though, because as soon as we got back the world went into lockdown.

What a time! Stressful and scary but also a little bit fun being locked up at home for two weeks watching Tiger King, making sourdough, and drinking. I think reality set in after the first two weeks. Zoom school, extended working from home, socially distanced kids birthday parties. If you are a parent with kids of really any age during that time – you know how hard it was. Millie was 7 when lockdowns started and it was definitely hard for her not to have play dates or see family. She is an only child so we had to come up with creative ways for us to have fun and entertain her. It also meant lots of snacks. So. Many. Snacks. Mother’s Day that year came around and Millie and Mike had made me a full breakfast feast with all my favourites. I got a home made card from my best girl, a fancy weighted blanket, and then Mike gave me the gift of alone time and took Millie out all day. I used that time to lounge in my bed in my jammies and journal. I’m not normally a journaling person but I felt like I needed to write a few things down. Feelings, thoughts, goals. I was thinking maybe I should give this exercise thing a try. As a teenager of the 90’s I was taught by YM magazine and every afternoon talk show host that exercise was what you do when you need to lose weight and that’s it. I got out of bed and threw on whatever gym type clothes I had. I went downstairs to go on our elliptical for 20 minutes.

My goal was really to have no goal. I figured if I just did something to move my body each day, that would be a good starting point. I wanted to start small and slow so that’s why I decided on 20 minutes a day. I chose the elliptical because we have a tv in our small home gym so I could watch the Golden Girls. It became a nice little routine. Even the days where I didn’t feel like doing it, I reminded myself it was only 20 minutes and I could be cranky about it while I was doing it. Tough love. After a few weeks it became a habit and didn’t seem like such an internal struggle. It was around this time that I started examining my diet. I’m a busy mom and like so many others, I tend to put myself last. This sometimes resulted in poor eating habits like choosing convenient choices over healthy ones, and not wanting to throw food away so eating leftovers off my daughter’s plate.

I really had no concept of how many calories I was eating during the day so I started a food journal and tracked my normal days for 2 weeks. You throw the wine in there and it’s a real eye opener. I wanted to lose that extra weight and get back to a healthy range. For the first time in my life I didn’t put a time frame on it. It would happen when it happens. I learned about calorie deficits and what’s a healthy way to lose weight. Remember, I’m a 90’s teen. I’ve only ever learned the bad ways. I set a daily calorie goal for myself and tried hard to stick to it, but didn’t beat myself up if I went over. I cut out weekday drinking. I kept up with my 20-30 minutes of daily movement. I relearned how to roller-skate, cartwheel and do a flip on the trampoline and land it. I swam with Millie and went on lots of family bike rides. The weight started to come off. I liked the way my clothes were fitting. I had been dressing in lots of black and oversized sweaters and now I was rediscovering my very colourful wardrobe.

One day in October, I needed to take a letter to the mailbox at the end of my street, but It was raining so I ran there and back. I thought to myself, that didn’t feel so bad. I had always hated running. I have vivid memories of the cross country track at my elementary school and fighting for my life to get through those runs. High school wasn’t much better. I feel like our gym class was always right after lunch, so you had a full stomach and then the gym teacher would make you sprint a 6 minute mile around the track and you were just supposed to be okay with that. I didn’t thrive in that environment. I was actually pretty good at high jump and the 50 metre run, but much to the track coaches chagrin, I had no interest. As an adult, I only ran if I was being chased. I occasionally went on the treadmill if I had a long overnight when I was a flight attendant. I preferred lifting weights or going on the elliptical. Running always felt hard and when I had extra weight on me, it felt extra hard. Throw in some dizziness and gasping for air? Not interested. That’s why I was surprised when that quick run in the rain didn’t feel terrible. It wouldn’t be until November 4th when I’d go on my first official run.

Everything in the news was scary and depressing. More lockdowns. More events being cancelled. It all felt so overwhelming and it was hard having no control over anything. I felt like my joints were full of rage and I needed to get it out and the only way that seemed like a good idea was through running. I laced up and out I went. I ran like the wind! I mean, in my head I did. If you actually saw me it was probably more of a jog but whatever….it felt great! This was my new 30 minutes of moving my body. It was also a nice break to leave the house and not be asked for a snack every 10 minutes. Every evening I would go out. I called them my rage runs.

My runs weren’t straight running. At the beginning they were more walking with bits of running added in and then slowly I built up. I had no smart watch or app. Just my phone telling me when my 30 minutes was up. I had no idea of my pace or my distance. I didn’t necessarily love the actual running part, but I did love how I felt when I was done. I was out there with my old school iPod and wired headphones listening to my favourite songs from the early 2000’s and music I used to dance to at night clubs Just vibing and having the best time. I truly did learn to love it over time. By the end of December that year, I had lost all the weight I had wanted to. The entire 50 pounds. Through running I was changing the composition of my body.

I felt good about myself. I felt reconnected to that fun loving, carefree person I had always been. My nightly wine was replaced during the week with green tea. I wasn’t living for that 5 o’clock drink. I had more patience. I had less anxiety. I was a more fun mom and wife. My doctor was impressed with me and my lab work. I don’t think it was just one thing, but all these things together that were responsible for this change.

I downloaded the Strava app in January of 2021. I wanted to have some sort of concept of how far I was going. I was starting to run farther and with less walking breaks. One of my high school friends who is into triathlon told me to watch out because the running bug was going to get me and I’d be signed up for my first race before I knew it. I laughed it off and said yeah right but then wouldn’t you know it, a few months later and I was signed up for my first lululemon SeaWheeze virtual half marathon. I had already been working on my 5 km and 10 km, so why not try a half?

A few of us in my neighborhood signed up to do it together. I trained hard and loved going out along the river for my long runs. During that summer, Ironman Calgary 70.3 moved to my neighbourhood. I didn’t know anything about Ironman or triathlon. A friend said we should sign up to volunteer at the finish line because that’s where all the action is. We did and it was a blast. I was definitely inspired by all those athletes. I took that inspiration into my own half marathon training. When I finished my final 19 km long run, I was thrilled as that was the farthest I had ever run. I was two weeks out from our virtual half marathon. I went out for a short run by my house, landed on my foot funny and got a stress fracture. Terrible timing! I would have to sit this one out and I was sad for myself because I’d worked so hard. I am quite stubborn though, and it only hurt to run on it so a day before the virtual race I went out along the river and speed walked the half marathon. It may not have been a true half marathon, but I was pretty happy with it. The next day I showed up to our neighborhood half and cheered everyone on with Millie.

I knew I still wanted to sign up for another half marathon. I don’t remember how I officially heard about the Calgary Marathon. Unofficially I knew about it because in years past, I was annoyed about the road closures and the minor inconvenience it caused me. Now look at me. I wanted to be part of that! I registered for the half marathon at the 2022 Servus Calgary Marathon. I trained with no plan. No fueling system. Just out there running and hoping for the best. I was really nervous the morning of the race. I woke up early and tried to eat a bagel and get myself organized. I went to Stampede Park alone and Mike was going to meet me at the finish line with Millie. I lined up in my coral and looked around thinking what is life right now?! I am a girl who can’t run, lining up with all these real runners and I have no idea what I’m doing. The gun went off and we slowly started moving. I was trying to control my breathing and not get overwhelmed. I was taking it all in. The music, the sounds, the vibe. We got out of the stampede grounds and started running down Olympic Way towards Studio Bell where you can see just how many people are running with you and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I burst into tears. I was so happy and it’s one of my favourite memories of that day and running in general. Possibly my next favourite was coming into the finish line. I turned my music off so I could hear the announcer say my name and listen to everyone cheering, but mainly my two-man cheer squad. The second I saw Millie cheering for me I lost it. As her mom, all I ever want is to make her proud and it was so special for me after working through so much and getting to this point. Core memory.

Since then I have signed up for more and more races. Those medals are addictive. In 2024, I ran my first full marathon, also at the Servus Calgary Marathon. As soon as I crossed that finish line, I said never again – but I realize now that may have been a bit hasty. I registered for the NYC marathon lottery this year but wasn’t picked. That’s definitely a dream race for me. This summer will be my 6th time volunteering with Ironman Calgary 70.3 at the finish line. I know almost everything about Ironman now. I get asked every year if I’ll do one and my answer is maybe.

Last year I was asked to be an ambassador for the Servus Calgary Marathon. Being invited to represent this community was a huge honour. I used to be annoyed at road closures on race day—now I’m part of it and wouldn’t have it any other way. With the help of Run Calgary, I’ve even started a final finishers cheer squad for the 5 and 10 km races that I hope keeps growing – because if you ever want to see grit and determination, just watch the end of any race. It’s incredible.

This year marks my fifth year participating in this race and my second time running the full marathon. I’m just as excited as my first time but without the nerves. I know what to expect, what it takes and what my body can do. No matter what happens, I know my daughter will be proud of me and even more, I’ll be proud of me.

As for my anxiety, I don’t think I’ll ever be rid of it, but for now it is well managed. If I ever needed medication again I wouldn’t be opposed to that. I am happy I gave exercise and intentional movement a chance because it’s helped me more than I ever thought it could in multiple ways. Millie is almost 13 now. She’s a natural athlete. She loves volleyball and basketball, but her passion is cheer. I love how her gym encourages good mental health and being strong over skinny. She’s so proud when she shows me her biceps. These positive body image values are important to me as a mother. I remember how hard it was to be a teenage girl. I like that I can now be the type of mom that leads by example.

We speak often about how we can do hard things. As a parent, you are reminded almost daily about how hard and yet how rewarding parenting is. These beautiful little humans you created can take you right to the edge and then give you a hug or tell you they love you and bring you right back in. It’s a wild ride and can sometimes be anxiety inducing. To all the moms, parents, caretakers out there that may be struggling with something similar, I see you. You are not alone.